A common relationship issue partners face is the struggle to find meaningful and effective ways of expressing or showing love to one another. It’s not always easy to outwardly show your partner that you care and many people in society have been conditioned to keep their emotions bottled up and often never speak about their feelings. In fact, it takes great courage and a high level of maturity to intentionally and consciously choose to show love and affection to someone and do so in a way that is authentic and truly speaks to their partner’s heart.
Dr. Gary Chapman, a counselor and author of the book “The Five Love Languages”, spent years studying couples in counseling and ended up recognizing a pattern. He discovered that couples often misunderstand each other’s needs. He came up with five main categories or universal ways in which humans show love to one another. According to Chapman, every person has a primary way of giving and receiving love, known as a “love language”. Couples do not usually express love in the same way and in general, people tend to be drawn to those who have a different love language than their own. Understanding the differences in how we all express and feel loved can have a serious positive impact on our relationships. We all identify primarily with one of the love languages listed below:
- Words of Affirmation – This is the expression of affection through spoken words of appreciation and encouragement. it is most meaningful to a person with this primary love language to be complimented often by their partner. They desire authentic communication and a strong mental connection with their lover. Being praised and recognized for their work, receiving compliments on their appearance, or being reminded verbally that their partner loves them are a few examples of how you can make your partner with this primary love language feel the most loved by you. Writing them love notes, phone calls to check up on how they are doing, and sending flirty text messages are also really great ways to demonstrate love to them. It’s also a good idea to remember to communicate your feelings to them and be open about what you are up to when the two of you are not together so that they feel included in your life.
- Quality Time – A person with this primary love language feels the most loved by their partner when they spend plenty of one-on-one time together for meaningful conversations, romantic outings, or even while hanging out with other friends at a gathering or celebration. They love to receive their partner’s undivided attention – meaning their partner appreciates their time together enough to put down their cell phones, make eye contact, and be a good listener. They want their partner to be truly present with them and focused on them. Taking them out to a nice restaurant or hanging out in a jacuzzi to create intimate moments are a couple of good ways to give them quality alone time.
- Receiving Gifts – Gifts are a huge symbol of thoughtfulness, care, and affection to a person with this primary love language. Putting some time and effort in getting them a gift based on their interests shows them that you love them enough to get to know them well. However, gifts don’t necessarily have to be large or expensive. Just the simple gesture of giving them something little as a symbol of your love for them has a profound positive impact on them. A few examples of ways you can demonstrate your love include having flowers or balloons delivered to their doorstep, buying them a special valentines gift like chocolate or a teddy bear, or giving them a special handmade item.
- Acts of Service – Expressions of love through this love language include doing nice things for your partner or helping them out with tasks that help lessen their pressure and stress. This type of person feels the most appreciated when their partner does simple acts of service to show that they care such as cooking them a meal, helping with the dishes, being there for assistance when the car breaks down, or even contributing to a project they may be working on.
- Physical Touch – This type of person feels the most loved through physical affection such as holding hands, touching or rubbing their arms of legs, giving them a massage, wrapping their arms around them (i.e. their waist), or even a simple hug. They really enjoy being close to their partner physically so their idea of an ideal date may be a movie night with a glass of wine and cuddling on the coach.
In short, we can all learn to give, receive, and express love in all of these ways, but learning to speak your partner’s primary love language would go a long way in helping the relationship to thrive and flourish since it is the key ingredient to how each partner would best feel the demonstrations of love from each other.
What’s Your Primary Love Language? Take this mini quiz to find out! If you are curious to determine what your own primary love language is, this 30-question quiz will help you discover which type most closely matches your personal tastes and preferences. You may already have a good idea after reading this article, but sometimes the answer isn’t always black and white. The results of this quiz will break down the percentages of each type of love language that most closely represents your responses. This way, you will see which love languages rank higher for you on a scale compared to the others. You may discover you have two dominant love language types or score similar percentages on two or more of them.
I’m interested in knowing about your results, so if you feel comfortable sharing it, please do so in the discussion comments below!
