This is an example letter I have prepared on the topic of parent-child relationships during adolescents in response to the following inquiry:
Dear Expert,
My spouse and I cannot agree on how to handle our teenager’s increasing demands for independence. My spouse says we should keep our teen on a “tight rein,” but I think we should start by “letting go.” Which of us is right?
Signed,
A distraught parent
October 30, 2020
Dear Parent,
Thank you for your interest in The Akashic Dreams. My expert guidance comes from the most up-to-date research and theory on parent-child relationships during adolescence. In answer to your question, it is important to take various factors into consideration. First off, figure out if you hold any stereotypes about “teenagers” being difficult or adolescence causing “storm and stress” for parents, because this is simply not true.
As it relates to rules and decisions, adolescents are less likely to accept a parent’s authority if the issue is a personal matter, rather than a moral one or one involving safety. For example, your daughter would most likely be okay with you as a parent regulating an activity such as drinking and driving because it is reasonable, against the law, and would have negative consequences that would affect you as the parent as well. However, she may not appreciate being told to dress in a certain way or wear a particular outfit for school when it does not match her personal style, nor would it make much of a difference whether she did or not. If it doesn’t make logical sense to her and you, as the parent, do not explain your reasoning behind regulating certain behavior or activities, then it would be best to embrace the “letting go” mentality in this case. Also, keep in mind that during adolescence, teenagers naturally begin to spend less time with family and more time with peers so keeping a “tight rein” on them may feel over-controlling from your daughter’s perspective.
It’s also a good idea to take into consideration how frequently conflicts take place between you and your teenager. Generally speaking, adolescence is a time when teenagers increasingly try to assert their autonomy, so it would be wise to give them more breathing room. Given the fact that parents and adolescents often live in “separate realities” where they may perceive the same event or conversation as drastically different experiences, it’s always best to listen to them and tend to their needs to the best of your ability. That way, your own conscience is clear, and if issues persist, they can come to you and ask for help. On a biological level with hormonal and other bodily changes taking place, it is also a more emotionally sensitive period for them so the best advice would be to be emotionally in tune with them and help them regulate their feelings. This is because maintaining emotional stability is much harder for a teenager to do than adults.
Also, keep in mind that in early and middle adolescence, there is typically a diminished closeness between parent-child relationships and less physical affection, so your daughter may naturally desire more privacy. On the positive side, this is temporary so try not to stress yourself out too much about it. If your teenager is not yet in her late adolescence, you can expect your relationship with your daughter to become more intimate and less conflicted over time.
In conclusion, the short answer to your question is that it all depends on the context of the situation. For the most part, “letting go” is the best policy for parents to adopt, but when it comes to more pressing matters and important concerns, establishing authority is also essential. Providing guidance and staying involved in their lives is paramount, but only if it is motivated by genuine interest in them, rather than a sense of duty or obligation on the part of the parent. So in the long run, as a parent, taking steps to caretake your own mental health and keeping stress levels to a minimum is key to being able to extend yourself towards your teenager and ensure their well-being as well.
Sincerely,
Pouyan Yazdian
Citation: Steinberg, L. (2020). Adolescence, 12th edition. McGraw-Hill Higher Education, pp. 247-255.
